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Bend City Guideby Conrad Oakey |
 Bend Travel Pictures
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 Overview - Bend has grown from 14,000 people in 1990 to about 65,000 in 2005. Bend has been transformed from a lumber town with a small ski resort to ÜberAspen. Most of the transplants are Californians and disgustingly healthy retirees. The high desert climate (sunshine year round, dry fluffy snow on Mt Bachelor, very low humidity) attracts outdoor enthusiasts of every kind. Bend has one of the highest per capita Olympic athlete rates in the country.
What is the city know for - Outdoor sports, microbreweries, lakes, amazing sunsets, and the majestic and elusive Bend Hottie. This rare breed of “investment quality” woman jumps out of C5 Cargo planes to fight forest fires, climbs cliff faces, is sponsored by arc’teryx, drinks more than you and looks hot in plaid flannel. Because of all the sun and wind they tend to look a bit like Clint Eastwood as they age, but in their youth… ah, in their youth…. Parts of Town - The town splits at 3rd Street, aka old highway 97. The East side of town is suburban and if you’re not careful and go too far you might end up in a ranch town like Millican – population 2. The West side of town is on the way to the mountain. The downtown houses most of the high-end restaurants, yoga centers and Drake Park. The mini-city resorts like Broken Top in the west hills is where all the attractive white healthy people and fragrant snowboarders hang. Time of year to visit - Anytime, really. There’s good snow and short lines on the mountain in the winter and spring. Plenty of golf courses in the summer if you dig on plaid. Rivers for fly fishing and kayaking. Outdoor concert series of classical, jazz and alternative rock happen once the musician’s fingers thaw. Blue skies, clean air and water year ‘round. Just try to avoid the holidays when all of California stops in and everything will be okay. Bend celebrates it’s centennial in 2005 and you know what that means? It’s 100 years old – big whoop-to-do. Expect bigger parades, livelier events and plenty of old folks recounting the days when having an H2 Hummer wasn’t the standard 16-year old locals birthday present. Enjoy the outdoors and then get out. You’ll slowly be annoyed by all the Mercedes SUVs, martini bars and the town’s identity crisis and if you’re not you’re part of the problem. Did you Know? Snowboarders are divided into the bro-bra and pro-ho (pro snowboarder and his chick) subspecies. The bro-bras outnumber the pro-hos in Bend by an unfortunate margin. This means you probably won’t score while you’re here. The men are all burlier than you, and there’s no doubt most of the women can kick your ass. Bring your own if you don’t mind sharing. Most commonly used phrase - Bro? - Bra! - Burly! - Cougar Alert! As in: Bro? Isn’t that bra with the sweet cougar burly Gerry Lopez? Getting There and Away - By car, shuttle from Portland or Eugene for about $20. Flying into Redmond (RDM) on your own private jet is the Cheney thing to do. Modes of Transportation while in Town – Car, bike, cabs (you have to call them, but they’re around). Take a bus up to the mountain if you don’t have snowtires. There are some people who use their dogs to power their bikes. The Inside Scoop - Bend is pretty much a daytime activity town. It has few equals when it comes to outdoor resources and that’s why people move here. As far as a nighttime scene, it used to be house parties when people’s parents were out of town, but that was when I just hit puberty. Now it’s probably a martini bar or something. Hook up with some of the friendly locals and ask them what’s up or pick up a copy of the free local weekly – The Source - for bands, Djs, and local events. Pick up the Bend Bulletin for the local farming tradeshow schedule. Events - Pole Pedal Paddle lands on Saturday, May 14th, 2005. The race starts at the top of the mountain. After thrashing down to the bottom switch gears and Nordic ski a few miles around the base. Then mount your bike and ride 15 miles into town. Kayak two more miles and for good measure run 400 meters. Then puke and die. You can do it in teams or by yourself, psycho. Clubs / Bars - The new McMiniman’s Pub is pretty cool. Getting a pint at the Deschutes Brewery is pretty much like bowing before the cross in church - required. There’s also Cascade Brewing Company. The food is crap, but good for watching sports and shooting pool. Club 97 (The largest dance floor in Oregon!) is for sale if you want to buy a nightclub. Coolio performed there New Year’s Eve ’01 in front of a crowd of cowboys and Mexicans from nearby farming towns gettin’ all ghetto an’ shit. There’s a spattering of martini bars like Mars Café and the Bend Distillery downtown. Best Concert Venues - Les Schwab Amphitheatre is for big time artists like Jewel and The Pixies. Just kidding – Jewel is there because of her enormous hooters. The Pixies are playing September 4th, 2005. The Athletic Club of Bend gets the Taj Mahaj/Suzanne Vega crowd and their enlightened children. The best music I’ve heard is at the Grove downtown. Grab yourself a box of wine and head out to the Cascade Festival of Music which features outdoors classical and jazz throughout the spring and summer.  Hooking Up - If you’re a dude, good luck. Helps if you’re a pro athlete or a born-again Christian. The ratio and local competition are not in your favor. If you’re a chick, seek out the local legend known as “Gravy”. He’ll be prowling the west side and looking fine in his Honda Element. You will not be disappointed.
Food - Get your coffee and free wireless access at two places. Bellatazza located in downtown, and the College Coffee Shop just off Newport en route to the Central Oregon Community College. Get your sake buzz on at Yoko’s downtown or eat at one of the 50,000 Mexican restaurants. I like King Taco on Galveston. The chicken nachos rule. Lots of fancy and tasty eats are downtown, notably Hans’ for lunch, dinner, and pastries. There are some stellar bakeries like Great Harvest that always has samples. John Dough’s serves up a mean slice and the Greasy food at Jake’s Truck Stop is sure to give you a coronary. Lodging - McMinneman’s rents rooms and cabins. Inn of the Seventh Mountain is a family resort with pools, tennis courts, an ice rink, horse rides, rafting, and easy mountain and golf course access. Same with Mt Bachelor Village. If you’re a chick shack it up at Gravy’s house. Getting Medicated - Any bar on the west side with a good bro-bra population will be holdin’. Just look for the stoned guy and ask him. You used to be able to get meth in Drake Park, but most of those losers got beat-downs by the BPD and subsequently shipped to San Francisco or Portland. Coke and E aren’t really the scene, as far as I know. Maybe on the east side of town where it’s more house or barn party. A bit about the writer - A ten-year former resident currently living in New York. Hirsute98@hotmail.com Links – The Source – Event Listings Ski Resort Info Concert Listings Free Classical concert series Guide Comments
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