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Dallas City Guideby Dick Currie |
 Dallas Travel Pictures
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 Overview - Most Texans consider Dallas to be the "Capital of America." And I mean that literally. You ask 10 Texans what the capital of Texas, the United States, America, North America, The Confederacy or The World, and at least 7 of them will tell you Dallas. As I also found out conducting this study, at least 2 of them will call you a homo. As in "Dallas you homo, what country do you think this is?" I also learned after interviewing Texan number 1 that it’s a bad idea to actually give them the correct answer. In particular don’t inform them that there isn’t really a capital of North America. If you do, you can save yourself by adding a “but if there were, it would certainly be Dallas.”
What is the city know for - Everything in Dallas is Big. The girls get big boob jobs, the Mexicans drive big trucks and the politicians tell big lies. Time of year to visit - Don’t Languages Spoken - Texan and Mexican Nickname - The Big D Activities - The first points of interest in Dallas are the grassy knoll and the book depository. Both are fantastic. The grassy knoll still looks like it did in the Zapruder film, and although the Book Depository is a museum now, the 6th floor windows are preserved. It was fantastic, although they charged $7. The best exhibits of the museum were the murals and readings on the Cuban movement. I also dug the anti-Castro conspiracy readings. If you like 20's architecture Swiss Avenue has a stretch of Victorian era homes that will make you want to cap an oil well. The Dallas Scene - Piss on the Book Suppository--Here is the real guide to a Saturday night in Dallas Start off your evening with a hearty meal at one of the Dallas area's 16 Hooter's locations. Order wings, beer, and the Hooter's fat salad. Save the moist towlette for later. Don't be afraid to ask your waitress for drugs--they can help you. Leave an exorbitant tip. Pick up a six-pack for the car ride (open containers are permitted in Texas--take advantage) and head downtown. Be sure to drive very fast and erratic in order to blend in. Say things like "Lets see how fast this sumbitch can go!!" and cackle while your friend get piss drunk in the back of the car. Now I hate to fucking dance--but Dallas leaves you little choice. Check out Bar Dallas right at the end of the toll way. It is your typical raunchy Dallas dance club. Red Bull/Jagermeister shots provide a nice lubricant for the white boys in the house. Don't bother with the really hot girls--they are decoys. Work on girls in the semi-hot to fairly ugly range--these are your best bet for action. This is the main difference between New York and Dallas--the mediocre chicks are friendly and easy here. Tell lots of lies and buy lots of drinks. I have done well lately with telling girls I own a chain of video stores. It has this self-demeaning charm that’s absolutely irresistible. Fish one out and take her home!! Skip the bullshit after bar food lines and get down to business. Every residence in Dallas has a pool and hot tub--make use (PS: Use plastic beer bottles--management gets surprisingly hostile when you break a few bottles in the pool--go figure). Don't be afraid to be the first person to get naked—Texan girls love to be nude but they have this silly good girl routine. After the pool make use of that moist towlette. Clubs / Bars - Deep Ellum is the renovated warehouse district located just three blocks east of downtown Dallas. Locals call Deep Ellum the alternative to the "norm." Don't let this fool you. You are still not welcome in Texas if you are gay. Try Trees for live music, or Spider Babies for fewer hicks. The Cavern located at 1914 Greenville Avenue might be the best rock hangout in town. Cowboys offers live country music and dancing on what's said to be the largest dance floor in Texas. Free dance lessons on Sunday and some weeknights. The warehouse district on the west end of town has a bunch of overpriced restaurants and clubs. At least you probably won't find a Chili's. Dax King French swears by lower Greenville.  Hooking Up - If combing the malls and Hooters doesn’t work I highly suggest scoping out the Six Flags Over Texas Amusement Park in suburban Arlington. Get in line for the Texas Giant, the world’s largest all-wooden roller coaster and hunker down next to an odd numbered group of riders. Saying something funny about the fat person in line or bending over and tying your shoes, pending you have a nice ass, is the best way to ensure your seat next to the odd-man/woman out. Lot’s of bumping and grinding will commence on the ride and by the time you get off you should’ve gotten to 2nd base. Beware there may be a gigantic Texan waiting for their belle at the exit gate.
Food - Sonny Bryan's Smokehouse is possibly the best classic pit barbecue in Texas. At the dingy old drive-in (original location) you sit in school desks or outside. The menu includes ribs, barbecued beef, sausage and onion rings. Check out Pepe's & Mito's in Deep Ellum for Tex-Mex. Lodging - Texas is one giant strip mall one after another. All of these plazas have a Holiday Inn, Best Western or La Quinta. Unless there is a conference going down expect that 70% of the rooms are vacant. Make your bid on Priceline.com the day before. You won’t pay over $20. If you’re a celebrity or just a run of the mill Star Fucker check out The Stoneleigh Hotel—This small, European-style, 1920s-vintage hotel offers pleasant service and large, comfortably furnished guest rooms.  Weirdest Scene - Billy Bob's Texas is located in the Historic Fort Worth, Texas Stockyards near downtown. Every new entertainer to take the stage at Billy Bob's Texas leaves a concrete impression of his or her handprints, which are displayed, on the Handprint Wall of Fame. Place your privates in one of the handprints and exclaim you always wondered what it would feel like to get felt up by Merle Haggard.
A Bit About the Source - Dick lived in Dallas for 2 years up until 2004 and promptly moved back to NYC. In that time he put 75,000 miles on his BMW and later gave it to a 19-year old cosmetology student he had just met. Joe and Jeremy spent about 2 hours in Dallas collectively. Modes of Transportation while in Town – The light rail system is the fastest growing in the U.S., which means you should still have a car. Websites Guide Comments
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