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Maui City Guideby Bettie Mustang |
 Maui Travel Pictures
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 Overview: It’s all fun and games until someone starts
losing their flesh.
Maui is the matrix of your Hawaii vacation. It gets about 2 million visitors a year from around the world-- roughly 4 times its population. Obviously, with numbers like this, tourism is the prime source of income for many locals-- a parasite and host deal that has sustained the economy for decades. If you envision Maui and think of palm trees, maitai’s, chlorine and big tittied hula dancers you are a “touron”. This translates to: idiotic tourist. You can be sure that the locals are only being nice to you to bleed the lifeblood straight from your wallet. If you want to really travel Maui and not go back to wherever you came from feeling like you took it up the ass for two weeks straight, there are a few random things you need to know right away: The language: The best way to label yourself a honkey is to murder the Hawaiian language. Don’t be lame, educate! Really, it’s not that difficult. There are only 12 letters in the alphabet and once you get the hang of it it’s child’s play. “Aloha” is an every-word, kind of like f*ck. Generally, it means love--kind of like f*ck, but there are variations. For example: “Aloha, touron” means “How’s it going, welcome. I’m going to rip you off”. This same phrase could also translate to “Good-bye, I hoped you enjoyed me raping your bank account” or “Where’s the love, ass-plug?”. Seriously, the versatility of this word is phenomenal. You’ll get the hang of it.  The people: There are very few actual Hawaiians left
in Hawaii. The break down goes like this: 32% mixed
ethnicity, 22% caucasian, 22% Japanese, 12% Filipino,
5% Chinese, 1% Hawaiian.
The “real” Hawaiians are actively fighting all of the injustice that they have endured over the past 200 years by becoming activists. You’ll recognize these folks by their t-shirts that say, “My ancestors ate Captain Cook”. For-Real... It may not be the best way to come off when negotiating Hawaiian rights, but to each his own. The Kama’aina (comma-eye-nah) discount-- People with a Hawaii State Drivers license receive a sizable discount on almost everything (lodging, food, activities etc.). Get your hands on one, or cling on to someone who has one. Sometimes guests of locals can get away with the discount too. Disease and strange animals-- Recently there was a breakout of the dengue virus (transmitted through mosquito’s which are abundant in Hawaii), and over the past few years several people were devoured alive by the flesh-eating virus. Allegedly, all of the wounds that allowed the virus into the body were very small like a bug bite or shaving cut. I’ll say it again: Flesh Eating Virus. Also, there were reports of a very large cat (state officials thought that it could possibly be a jaguar) loose in the Upcountry area of Maui. It was leaving deer carcasses and claw marks six feet up on trees. No missing toddlers yet. What Maui’s Famous for: The Maui Film Festival, The Maui Writer’s Conference, Maui Wowie, a $750,000 median income price on a house, The Grand Wailea Resort and Spa, Willie Nelson, awesome beaches, Haleakala Crater. Parts of the Island: There are basically six main areas to the island: North Shore, South Shore, East Side, West SIde, Upcountry and Central. All areas have their own trips and cast of characters.  North Shore: (Paia, Spreckelsville and Kuau) The
North Shore is basically one big hippie and surfer
fest. The surf kicks ass in the winter. This area is
also home of Island Ink Tattoo and Body Piercing which
is the best place to get poked on the island.
South Shore: (Kihei, Wailea and Makena) Reminiscent of Southern California with a tropical flare-- kind of like eating refried beans with pineapple salsa. The South Shore has one of the highest crime rates on the island. The tweeker rate is also really high. The beaches are f*cking phenomenal-- Makena and Little Beach are two favorites. On Sunday nights Little Beach has a naked drum-circle and lots of free weed. Good times. Stay away from Wailea unless you really want to get sucked into the likes of Gucci, Fendi, Tiffany and Company and the $12 Hamburger with no fries. East Side: (Haiku, Huelo, Hana) This is the secluded side of the island-- perfect for tripping out away from society. The East side is all-out-jungle-style with water falls, tropical fruit, wild pigs and disease ridden mosquitos. If you’re planning on hallucinating, plan to dose in the jungle. The people out here are generally really chill and are as fried as you are. It’s a great area to hook up. Who doesn’t want to have group sex in a bamboo forest? West Side: (Lahaina, Kaanapali, Napili, Kahana) This is a super touron area. Regardless, you have to visit Lahaina at some point in your travels. Lahaina is an old whaling town and is cool regardless of the hokey-bullshit. Locals drive their suped up Hondas (the import scene is really big in Hawaii) up and down Front Street (Lahaina’s main stretch) and pound their stereos at hot tourist girls. That in itself is entertaining enough to hit the West Side. Lahaina is also the home of the craziest Halloween celebration ever. Upcountry: (Pukalani, Makawao, Kula) Upcountry is called “Paniolo Country” by locals. Paniolo’s are Hawaiian cowboys. This area of the island started off as ranch land and has slowly developed into a cool community of free thinkers, artists, novelists, punks, warlocks and Willie Nelson. It’s also the best place on the island to buy drugs, where you are least likely to get bitten by a dengue mosquito and the home of the mysterious “Big Cat”. I love you, Upcountry. Central: (Wailuku, Kahului, Waikapu) Welcome to the ghetto. Unless you want to make some side cash fighting chickens and subsequently have your liver cut, steer clear of Central Maui. There are some cool sex shops here though: Paradise Spice, and Hotspot Video. Then again, you can always be safe and shop for nipple clamps online. Clubs and Bars: Recommended places are The Ale House (mellow, mini-pool tables) Mulligans on the Blue (Guinness on tap, regulation sized pool table), Hapa’s Nightclub (Thursday nights if you’re straight, Tuesday nights if you’re gay-- pretty ghetto club with DJ type hip-hop) Casanova’s has some cool music every now and then. Wednesday is Ladies night and it gets f*cking nuts there. Go to Stopwatch Grill and Bar if you just want to get drunk with a bunch of drunks-- it’s usually my top choice. Food: There is no bad food on Maui. I take that back, stay away from Filipino food unless you’re into pork cooked in its own blood (take that Kosher-freaks) and fermented chicken embryos. I am not f*cking with you. Being a vegetarian is a breeze on Maui-- besides a handful of strictly veggie places like Veg-Out (the Muffuletta sandwich is worth a pound of flesh), Down to Earth, and Fresh Mint, most restaurants offer meatless alternatives. Try the tofu burrito supreme at Polli’s. If you’re a carnivore the place to check out is Brigit and Bernard's Garden Cafe. German food rocks. My favorite is the pork loin in a port wine sauce with scalloped potatoes and red cabbage. It’s called something unintelligible and isn’t always on the menu. Ask for it and they'll make it for you regardless. If you’re looking for fresh seafood hit the Pupu Lounge Grill and Bar. The owner’s an asshole but the food is tasty. It’s the best deal of fresh fish on the island. You get a resort style meal for about half the price (which is still $15-$20 a plate).  Outdoors: Everything is outdoors on Maui. The best hiking is in
Haiku. Pick up a copy of the book Maui Revealed to
scope out cool trails. Local people hate this book
because they think it reveals too much. The best
beaches are in Kihei and Hana. Golf is big-- if
you’re into it, the best deal is Waiehu Municipal Golf
Course. They have a talking mynah bird.
Accommodations: I like B&B’s. Maui has some awesome ones: Maui What a Wonderful World (about $90 a night) The Banyan Tree House (about $100 a night) and Hale Ho’okipa Inn (about $100 a night). Most B&B’s have a low tolerance for alcoholic stupors and drug binges... If you want to party without inhibition stay in a condo like The Maui Banyan or Kamaole Sands. If you’re a rich f*ck hit the Hyatt, Grand Wailea or the Kealani. Getting Medicated: Weed is out meth is in. It’s still possible to get homegrown but you’ll be buying it from a tweeker. Best place to shop is Makawao Town. Try the public parking lot. Anyone with a glass pipe in a beat up car can help you out. Most are cool. You can pretty much score anything in Makawao or at least be pointed in the right direction. Make sure to hook your hookup person up or they’ll get pissed. Don’t buy dope in Lahaina and be very careful in Kihei. You’ll probably get ripped off and jacked. Whoring it up: No strip clubs or heavy-duty prostitution on the island. It’s too small of a place for the local girls to get involved in anything like that without pissed off husbands and dads finding out. We do have Korean Hostess Bars and Massage Parlors, though. The best Korean Bar to get mild action is Starlight. If you want a Happy Ending hit Paia. Check out the personals in the Maui Bulletin and Maui Time Weekly for contact numbers. Guide Comments
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