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Minneapolis City Guideby Jeremy Ahrens |
 Minneapolis Travel Pictures
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 Overview - Minneapolis was founded by a group of sadistic Swedes in the 1800’s looking for a place that was as cold and flat as Stockholm. They wanted land. They took it from the Dakota. They wanted a king. Minnesota gave them a Prince. They wanted strong government. We gave them a pro-wrestler named "the Body".
Minneapolis is a progressive city beaming with art, music and theatre. It is culturally diverse, tolerant, and a great place to live regardless of your age or scene. Minneapolis is a frigid tundra in the winter, but when March 1st rolls around, people shed their winter coats, find a summer babe, and party all spring and summer. From meathead snowmobile festivals to a prolific goth and S&M scene, Minneapolis is Purple Rain. What the city is known for - Prince got his start at First Avenue. He lives in a Purple mansion in the southern suburbs and hosts parties at Paisley Park Studios on weekends. Bob Dylan perfected folk here in the early 60's. Paul Westerberg and Bob Mould helped Prince make the 80's tolerable. In 1998 Minnesota shocked the world and elected Jesse "the Body" Ventura as our governor. The Weisman Art Center by Frank Gehry is one of the more famous buildings in the US. But it has nothing but shit for art. Go to the Minneapolis Institute of Art for something good. Go to the Walker for something modern. The Walker just added an extension that looks like a fin. Thursday nights get you free admission. It's hard to be disappointed with free. Plus they have this giant cherry on a spoon in the adjacent sculpture garden. It's famous. But so is the Mall of America. And I think they are both quite feeble. Mary Tyler Moore endorses the Nicollet pedestrian mall. The IDS Center's crystal court is the only good thing built during the 70s. Music Scene - Minneapolis has a great music scene and is home to tons of great local acts. You can see these bands on the cheap at some of the best music venues in the country. The 7th Street Entry is a panic attack. The Quest Club and Ascot Room bring in the most national acts. Cedar Ave. houses the 400 Bar, The Cabooze, and the Triple Rock Social Club. The Triple Rock is my favorite of the three. The bar is punk and the venue is jam packed with weird music loving patrons. If you are under-age, the 3Rock books a couple all-ages shows a week. But beware of anyone with a mustache or a van. The Fine Line is a good venue, but for every good band they book, there is a month of Amy Mann type crap. Minneapolis' four theatres (Pantages, Orpheum, Northrup Auditorium, Historic) host popular indie bands and larger national acts. Unfortunately, each of these venues has seats. I would rather go to a pampered chef party in the suburbs than sit down at a rock show. I guess it might be fun if you are either 40+ or missing an essential limb. Best Local Bands - Minneapolis has a great electro-punk scene. Avenpitch is my debaser. The keyboard player is a lunatic. TELEPHONE! and Uber Cool Kung-Fu entertain. I like Friends Like These and The Hopefuls for pop. Revolver Modele sounds like New Order, but they are still my favorite MSP band to see live. It may help that I have a crush on the bass player. To get your metal fix, go to an All the Pretty Horses show. The lead singer is a tranny and another member blows fire. I can't really categorize The Soviettes or The Violettes, but both are good. Manplanet is a space station disaster.  Neighborhoods / Bars - Uptown is where all Minnesota kids move when they graduate from college. There is a great punk scene in uptown anchored by the CC Club and the Red Dragon on Lyndale. Everything else caters to the 22 to 26-year-old frat boy trying to convince himself he doesn't need to marry a Delta girl until he is at least 27. The Lagoon in uptown is the city's best place to see a movie. Uptown also has great shopping in and around Calhoun Square. The corner of Lyndale and Lake has several great bars. I like to hit the VFW where you can drink your wine from a box. Bryant Lake Bowl is always good. Lyle's on Hennepin is a daisy bomb every Thursday night.
If you are a dirty hippie, go to Mortimers. But please leave your hemp fanny pack at home. And no, I am not interested in your shitty jewelry. Downtown is the most active place to be from 5 to 9p.m. on weekdays. Rossi's has the best happy hour. The Local is an Irish bar with a semi-private Red Room where you can have semi-sex with semi-Irish girls or boys. Brits Pub is an English bar, and my favorite in downtown. They have a well behaved lawn bowling course on the roof. Brits also hosts a movie night where they project sappy romantic films on the side of the Double Tree hotel. Everyone makes out on the grass while watching Hugh Grant's hair flop about. Downtown has several gay bars. Minneapolis is one of the more gay friendly towns in the US. I usually only hit gay bars during pride week. The Gay 90s is an emporium. It's a great place to dance. Queers do not like it because too many straight people hang there. I just take off my shirt and appease everyone. The Saloon hosts Hard Monday, which is an industrial darksider event. Every other night is Queer as Folk. The Minneapolis Eagle has the best happy hour in town. The happy hour is 3 for 1's every Friday from 4 to 7p.m. The Eagle is a leather bar, so get your ass-less chaps out of the bottom drawer and get ready to shake what your mamma gave you. If you find yourself in the warehouse district, hit Mel's Beauty Bar on Washington Avenue. Babalu is for people who wear striped shirts. Unless you are searching for a 40 year old sugar daddy, avoid it. Northeast (Nordeast) is my favorite neighborhood in Minneapolis. And it's not just because I am a darksider deviant who likes to be tied up and faux-fucked by lesbians with strap-ons. If you "wear black on the outside because black is how you feel on the inside" Ground Zero is teeming with angst introspective goth kids every Thursday and Saturday night for Bondage-a-Go-Go. It's a huge warehouse club with giant video screens playing Betty Page erotica. At Ground Zero, girls dance in cages, people get violated in dentist chairs, and dudes gear up with bridle and saddle. There is a bunch of other weird stuff going on at GZ, but it's stuff I only talk to my therapist about. The Front is the dance club connected to Ground Zero. It's perfect for dropping off your lame-ass friends while you grave dig to Peter Murphy. The 22nd Ave. Station is the seediest strip club/gambling establishment to which I have ever been. If you like to watch strippers covered with tattoos while you have a burger, hit the "double deuce" during lunch. Nye's Polonaise Room has live polka and a lounge singer that to my knowledge only plays Elton John. Gastof's has the same 21-28 year old crowd as Nye's. But they don't have the Elton John. And you also might get beat up. Boom is the only gay bar in Northeast. Whitey's has great food and is a good place to pre-party.  SouthEast / University - The Varsity Theatre, the Kitty Cat Club, and the Loring Pasta Bar are all owned by Jason McLean. Minneapolis thanks you Jason. All three incorporate the Pablo Picasso opium den theme made famous by the original Loring. They are all great date places. If you need something low key before hand, check out an indie film at the UofM's Belle auditorium. Make sure to bring a flask. Indie films are a chore.
Cedar - Casey McGovern has renamed this area Little Mogadishu or "Little Mog" for its large population of Somali refugees. There are tons of great bars and music venues such as the Triple Rock. At some point during your night, a Somali guy will drop an n-bomb on a local, and you will find yourself about 5 feet from a knife fight. Make sure to protect your head as you walk 5 blocks north to 7 Corners. The bars aren't that great, but there are generally fewer neanderthals than in Uptown and Downtown. If you like to ride Harley's, the Cabooze is 5 blocks south. There are 2-3 biker bars in this area. I'm going to hold off on these 3 until my mid-life crisis kicks in. Nokomis - Nokomis is very residential, but it does have one solid spot. The Chatterbox on 35th Street and 24th Avenue has dim red lights, good food and retro atari games. They do not serve the hard stuff, but do have one hot goth waitress who thinks I'm pretty funny. Places to Avoid - Stay away from the Mall of America and Block E. Both are equally terrible, but probably tempting for tourists. Avoid downtown lounges and clubs. In fact, unless you are going to First Avenue for a show, I would not go out downtown on a weekend at all. I avoid Williams and Old Chicago in Uptown. Any bar/club with either "bella" or "noche" in its name should be foreclosed.  Events - The Minnesota Fringe Festival in August bills itself the ten most unruly days of summer. It's not all that, but it can be a fun afternoon. The Goth Prom is my favorite event of the year. It is held at the Saloon on the first Monday in May. Ground Zero's Rubber Ball is a solid fetish freakfest held on the Thursday before Easter. Voltage Fashion Amplified at First Avenue gives local designers and models a chance to strut their stuff to the tune of MSP's best rock acts. It's mad fun.
Taking a Lover - First Avenue's Danceteria is usually a great place to meet fun people. It helps if you can cut a rug. I have not been to the Lodge Bar in downtown, but my friend K.O. claims that it is the best place to go on Wednesdays. He also said it was the best place to go if you want to bite beer tub girls in the calf. I'll take his word for it. The Independent in Uptown has unisex bathrooms. Unisex bathrooms are your ally. Especially if you like to make out with drunken girl, boys, or both. If you already have a date, try cheap date nights at the Bryant Lake Bowl. You get bowling, dinner, and a bottle of wine for $25. Non-Drinking Fun - Minneapolis has a ton of lakes, the best of which are Calhoun and Lake of the Isles. You can swim and sail on Lake Calhoun. Both have great bike paths. Hidden Beach on Lake of the Isles is the best place to swim. The Nicollet mall has a great summer farmers market on Thursdays. Grab some fresh blackberries and bake your girl or boy a pie. Hustling for Cash - The University area has a few plasma centers. If you can pull your shit together for a few weeks, temp it at pro-staff. If you can play an instrument, put a cast on your leg and play for cash on the Nicollet Mall. Food - King and I Thai on Grant and LaSalle has the best food in Minneapolis. The lounge area has a DJ each night. Wednesday is neighborhood appreciation night, which brings in dykes, riot grrls, and one orally aggressive Asian. The best Indian food in the city can be found at New Delhi on Nicollet & 15th. Psycho Suzies in Nordeast has the best pizza and good tikki drinks. The Loring Pasta Bar has the best ambiance in the city and is a great place to take a date. In Uptown, Fujiaa has the best sushi. They also have a DJ at night, plus a great Sunday night happy hour. It's Greek to Me sets your food on fire. Chino Latino has great fusion cuisine, but is spendy. Victor's 1959 Cafe on Grand Ave. and 38th has the best Cuban food north of Little Havana. You cannot go wrong with any breakfast dish or their pulled pork. If you are in the Nokomis neighborhood, Fat Lorenzo's has great cheap Italian food. Get the calzone fatty. Late Night Food - The best is Little Tijuanas on 28th and Nicollet. They are open till at least 4AM. If you are in Dinkytown get a gyro or falafel at Santana Foods on University.  Getting Medicated - East Lake Street is where to score crack. There are lots of kids addicted to oxy-cotton in MSP. Whatever you are looking for, just drive around North Minneapolis (north of Broadway) until you see a dude standing on the corner. He will either hook you up, or shoot you in the head. Lyle's Liquor on weeknights and First Ave's VIP room on weekends are low hanging fruit for people trying to score. Hidden Beach on Lake of the Isles is a pretty easy place to buy weed. Bring a few extra cans of High Life. People get desperate for a summer time cool one. Trading is easy.
Weirdest Scene - The Gay 90s has a bear/cub room where dudes have anonymous sex. The only way to get to it is through the men's bathroom. If you hit it, get ready for some light petting with a guy named Monte. He'll be the one wearing a zipper mask. Sex World on Washington Avenue is a four story adult emporium. They have everything from Prince Albert to scat porn. Live dancers and DVD's are on the first floor. The fourth floor houses the "private" video screening rooms. I actually think Sex World is a great place to take a first date. I have not gotten a ton of good feedback on this. If your version of weird does not involve sex, go to Phoenix games on Lake Street. Gamers ascend from their mother's basement every Tuesday night. I don't know about you, but a gaggle of full grown men hanging out and playing with toys is pretty weird to me. I went once. I brought a date and some liquor. Both the girl and the alcohol freaked the gamers right out. Time of year to visit - If you have a choice, do not visit Minneapolis between December 1st and April 28th. We are nesting for the winter. Getting There and Away - MSP International Airport. Take the light rail from the airport to downtown for $1.75. Our metro transit system is great. Click here to get a schedule. Transit shuts down at 1:15a.m, so bring cash for a cab if you are wasted and out late. Lodging - The Minneapolis International Hostel is a converted Victorian mansion on 24th St. If you've got some cash, the Marquette Hotel is the best in the city. Websites City Pages - Local music, art and theatre Minneapolis Star Tribune Minneapolis Happy Hours Rake Magazine - Local arts news ThriftyHipster - Minneapolis city guide for the best night clubs, bars, and events City of Minneapolis Skyway Freeloader Guide How Was the Show? Guide Comments
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