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Nairobi City Guideby Eric Mitchell |
 Nairobi Travel Pictures
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 Overview: Big, mean, and dirty, Nairobi is the perfect place for aspiring travelers to cut their African teeth.
British heathens(watch White Mischief) founded the city after building the Lunatic Line(Mombasa-Uganda railroad) way back when. The name comes from the Maasai words for cool water, enhare nairobi. To get a feel for the glory days, watch “Out of Africa”. With its population nearing five million, this tarnished metropolis is a beehive of humanity. It’s really African and fully westernized. Throngs of pedestrians ply the sidewalks and mounds of trash rot in the alleys. City parks team with squatters, pickpockets dress in sport coats, and it stinks all over. Watchmen are everywhere, but don’t see anything. Especially, when a crew of parking boys choke out your lights and liberate your pockets- dey don’t call it Nairobbery fa nut’n. 
It’s a city of stark contrasts. The incredibly modern skyscrapers leave the first time visitor gasping, “were did all the money come from?” Streetlights never work, the sidewalks have crumbled away, and sewer grates and manhole covers go missing.
Periodically, the local constituency showcases their displeasure with the government. In response, the city fathers unleash the General Service Unit, a paramilitary force tasked with distributing attitude adjustments and unsolicited dental work. During the dry season, clouds of red dust billow along the major parkways. When it rains, the streets are inundated. The Locals: Nairobi is a primate city. Meaning, you will find a reflection of Kenya’s seventy plus tribes there. Coolies, left over from the railroad days, have the lock on supermarkets, photo shops, and curio stores. White Kenyans(descendents of heathens) deal in commerce and safaris. Arabs and Swahilis conduct recruiting drives for Jihad. Warnings: Crooks, con men, and corruption specialists posing as government employees. Don’t carry your passport. Divide your funds between your pockets, money belt, and jock. Never walk at night, the shadows reach out and hit from behind. Always take a taxi. During the daytime, pack your knuckle sandwiches and elbow kabobs. Watch out for the Virus!  What is the city known for: From its humble beginnings as a colonial backwater, Nairobi evolved into the world’s premier safari destination. You can be in fantastic game parks or viewing spectacular geologic formations within hours of arrival.
Most commonly used phrase: Being that you’ve just arrived and stand out like a beacon, you will hear “Jambo”(how are you) and “Karibu”(welcome). Proper response is “Sijambo”(I’m fine) and “Asante sana”(thank you very much). Once your feet are on the ground, greet the people with “Habari gani” (What’s the news). “Nzuri sana. Na wewe” (everything is fine, and you?) is the reply. Street people, invalids, and vagrants are convinced you have ATM’s tucked in your pockets. Every ten feet you will be told, “give me money” or instructed to “make for me something small”. When someone vociferously yells “Mzungu! Mzungu!” play dumb and initiate escape and evade tactics. It might be the police. Best time to go: Nairobi is 24/7. Anytime is the best time, but bring a jacket. It gets cold down on the equator. Language: English is spoken everywhere in the city. So is Swahili, but understanding the philosophy of Toa Kitu Kidogo (TKK) has a greater advantage. Over worked and over stressed, the Kenya Police slug it out for meager pay. Compensation is so poor they’re always short on the people’s staple, Tusker. Allocating the balance means stopping tourists and travelers on “violations”. Fiscal donations are the only way to untangle this dragnet. Hence, the translation of TKK, give something small. Kenyans have developed a nasty habit of over charging tourists and travelers. This is called the Mzungu Price. At certain venues it’s officially sanctioned and clearly posted by the government. Use the following phrase to fight back. Lakini sasa, mimi ni mwalimu ya hesababu kwa Makindu. Kuna local price(I am the math teacher in Makindu now. What is the local price)? 
Other helpful words and phrases include:Sina pesa, bwana - I don’t have money. Sitaki - I don’t want. Sijui - I don’t know. Hapana - No Wananchi - Local people. Chemist - Pharmacy Mzungu - Term applied to foreigners, but generally to whites. Boozing: Countless watering holes abound in the city. Creepy local joints will put you in direct contact with the wananchi. Grass roots encounters are what traveling is all about, but watch the Mzungu Price. Spend happy hour slamming beers at Simmers. It’s an open-air establishment with live music. Yeah, there are tourists, but watching the African night come down on all those big buildings is surreal. Well-wishers may suggest Carnivore. Tell them to bugger off! Pull an about face and reconnoiter New Florida(Mad House). Its unique architectural design(a half mushroom-crashed flying saucer hybrid) and proximity directly above a petrol station make it an ideal target for a car bomb. Get there late, the witching hour unleashes sexy dancers. Tusker and Pilsner are the most popular beers. Cost varies per venue. Low budget travelers can drink kumi-kumi (firewater brewed from airplane fuel or other industrial runoff) with the city deadbeats. Hopefully, it won’t kill you. Taking a Lover: Freaky behavior your gig? Then commandeer a taxi and prowl the streets for chics in hootie-mama get down shorts or porno boots. Tag-team operations and lesbian pillow shows are their specialty. New Florida is above the street in many ways. Post up on the bar so the professionals can check it out. After the catfight, make your selection. You’ll drop some Shillings, but good conversation can lead to a “reliable” girlfriend. The best tour guides never operate for free. Older gents who move in philanthropic mode should visit the University of Nairobi. Round up a coed and help her procure school funding the old-fashioned way. Body armor is mandatory for all nocturnal forays. You can purchase Trust condoms at supermarkets, chemists, and on the street. Whores at the Nairobi Hilton carry their own supply.  Food: Take your breakfast at the Dove Cage. Fried eggs, sausage, toast, and coffee or tea will run about Ksh 200; double that for the morning after. Got the munchies? Hit the Kenchic across the street for a sack of greasy chicken and chips(french fries). Swipe the tomato sauce and save a few Shillings. It will be enough for that round of kumi-kumi down by the river.
New Florida has a small restaurant overrun by cockroaches. When you’re totally pissed and fighting back double vision, their chicken and rice is the sh*t! For the true taste of Kenya, fix bayonets and take the objective in Ngong Hills. Dingy little chop joints fork over the best nyama(freshly cooked goat), ugali (boiled corn meal) and katchumbari(chopped onions and tomatoes). Standard Operating Procedure dictates Tusker moto mwiingi(lots of warm beer). Moving in true backpacker form? Get your apples and oranges at Uchumi supermarket. Street vendors sell roasted maize for pennies on the dollar. Bottled water is mandatory. Activities: A trip to Nairobi wouldn’t be complete without warding off hawkers and dodging pesky street children. Enjoy a city tour. Check out historical sites and do some shopping along the way. This year, the famed City market got a thorough cleaning for the first time in three decades. The body count was 757 tons of garbage, 38 tons of raw sewage, and 6,000 rats- cool! Infiltrate the parade ground by Kenyatta International Conference Center. If no less than two individuals approach you about investment schemes, you’ve been cheated. Circle back around and maybe someone with a phony police ID will stop you. Looking for souvenirs? Skip the curios. The distinguished Africanist will hunt down old currency depicting Idi Amin and Sese Seko Mobutu. How can you visit Nairobi and not go on safari? Check out the trips at Gametrackers. Take the rift valley tour. You’ll see wild game at Lake Nakuru, hot springs at Lake Bagoria, and crocodiles at Lake Baringo. Stay in the campground and the hippos will piss on your tent for free. For the true safari experience, ask about a camel trek up county. They last ten days in the rough and are guided by Samburu tribesmen. A good rapport with the guide will get you a rendezvous with the Chief. A case of Tusker and the proper amount of pocket stuffing will secure on outing with the village AK-47. Bullets are not included. Lodging: Booking accommodations on Moktar Daddah Steet will put you in the heart of the city. Everything you need is within a three-block radius. Downtown Hotel and Terminal Hotel(both next door to Dove Cage) are equal in terms of cost(Ksh 1200), location, cleanliness, and security, but Downtown has the edge. At night, you can get high and shag your tour guide on the roof while watching the police harass the working girls. Now who would have showed you that spot? Getting Medicated: Street deals are high risk. Why end up in the “secret” interrogation center by Loita Street? Just keep shagging your new girlfriend properly. She’ll be delighted to do all your legwork. For kumi-kumi hangovers, food poisoning, and diarrhea, visit the chemist. Stabbings, gun shot wounds, and skull fractures can be treated at Nairobi Hospital. US Dollars will expedite service. Suicide Mission: Run head first into the middle of Kibera Slums and act like nothings going to happen. Weirdest Scene: Watching Maasai warriors in full tribal regalia elbow their way through the teaming masses on Accra Street. Nairobi is a constant flow of strange behavior, unrestrained stupidity, and near misses. It’s the perfect litmus test for anyone considering a career out of vagabonding in Africa. If you start to love and hate the place simultaneously, you’re on the road to becoming an African Hand. Transportation: Battered taxis are double-parked everywhere. Fares range between Ksh 200-500. Be sure to milk the driver for the return trip. Matatus, the general mode of public transportation, crisscross the city. Know where you are going first. Street militias spring up to impose impromptu levies. Being an Mzungu has its value, but you’ll lose big on that deal. Getting in: British Airways, KLM, and SN Brussels land at Kenyatta International Airport. Taxi fare into the city starts at Ksh 1000. Slide on your brass knuckles and work the driver down to Ksh 700. Getting out: Since you’ve come all this way, penetrate deeper into the Dark Continent. Kenya Airways actually has a good reputation. Flights connect with Entebbe, Lusaka, Kinshasa and destinations in West Africa. General information: Game Tracker Safaris Kenya Airways Capital FM - Hear the pulse of the city Kenya Police Looking for adventure? Download NetBrute and sniff out the Swiss cheese. Guide Comments
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