| the guides | reviews | about | press |
|
||
Port Washington City Guideby Joseph Kultgen |
 Port Washington Travel Pictures
|
||
 Overview - Port Washington, WI is a city of 10,000 people situated on Lake Michigan about 25 miles north of Milwaukee. Port has one high school, a sweet harbor, 8 fast food restaurants, about 40 bars along a one-mile stretch and 3 tanning salons that function as fronts for the German Mafia. Homelessness is illegal, but it’s fine to have 6 cars in your front lawn.
What is the city know for - The long-running docu-drama, Step By Step, is factiously located in Port Washington. Suzanne Somers and Patrick Duffy were like 2nd parents of mine up until their lawyer instructed me that they weren’t interested in the inaccuracies perpetuated throughout every episode. On the bright side the daughter, also known as the hot chick from My Two Dads, dropped the restraining order. There’s still hope that we will someday ride arm in arm on top of a Fish Day float. Getting There and Away - Port is about 30 minutes north of Milwaukee along Lake Michigan on 43N. There are 3-exits, 93, 96 and 100. They all lead into this quaint 10,000 person city from different directions, but ultimately converge on a single road that snakes the main strip. You’ll probably want a car so you don’t get stuck here for too long. Modes of Transportation while in Town – Ask my parents if you can borrow a bike. There is a great bike path that runs through Port and takes you 15 miles to Fredonia in one direction or 15 miles to Mequon in the other. Transport Taxi Service (262) 284-0090 can get you home if you crash. Side Trips to Cult Hangouts - Nothing is better than roaring down the side of a hill, sickle in hand and scaring the hell out of your friends. I’ve found the best place to do this is Blue Goose Road in the town of Saukville. There’s a cult that performs ritualistic sacrifices in the basement of a barn on the land. Sickelmans and the Witches Graveyard along Black Bridge are nice alternatives if you don’t like being kidnapped and brainwashed. Murders – Murder comes few and far between in small town America. Usually when it does happen it’s because two drunken dicks get bent over some bird. Most of the time the fight is broken up and both guys are sent to jail for attempted manslaughter. Here they learn to fight better so next time they can finish the job. On the rare occasion a psychopath murders an innocent women and hides her body on an outdoor staircase, but not before biting her tit and leading to his ultimate capture. Score one for the Port Police. Police State - My hatred for police has strong roots in Port Washington. Only days after receiving my drivers license an ex-navy pilot threw a rock into my car window shattering glass over my lap. I eventually was detained and told by the chief of police that he oftentimes throws objects at passing cars that he believes are driving too fast. He added that if I were to press charges I would be arrested on the grounds of reckless endangerment. Pissed I threw my car away (the window was worth more than the car) and proceeded to stick 10,000 forks in sod-man’s front yard. Later that year the Port Police shot a kid in my class after Mike Katzka demanded that his friend Ben Binzler be released from jail, while wielding a small hunting knife. Within the same time period the cops shot my kindergarten teacher’s mentally retarded son after he fired a few shotgun rounds into the air from his front yard in the early AM. This time it was fatal. I haven’t heard much about the cops unnecessarily killing citizens in Port since officer Bretl retired, but be on your toes. There are 6 patrol cars that scan a 2-mile strip of road and will pull you over for going 5 miles over the speed limit. On the bright side parking tickets are only $5.  Activities - In a recent survey it was found that people who read TheCitizen are more likely to hot wire a golf cart and do cookies on the ninth green than to play a round. In any case there are more golf courses in WI per capita than any other state in the union. I’ve found the fastest carts to be at TheBog and Squires Country Club.
The best thrift store shopping in the world is designated to those cities that are as far removed from ironic as possible. People in small town America love fads like Hypercolor clothing and they tend to purchase an exorbitant amount of t-shirts at ridiculously cheesy concerts. Eventually, one of their buddies will start hanging out at a crappy bar in Mequon and ultimately convince his unstylish friend that he needs to trade up his collection of Skid Row t-shirts for a few striped oxfords. This need to fit in and complete lack of style is a gold mine for those of us who would kill for a Sir Mix-a-lot shirt. You’ll find your fill at St. Vincent De Paul Thrift Shop – 2673 Hwy C (262) 284-4637. Fishing like golf is not a sport. It’s an activity. One that gets more fun the more incoherent you get. There are plenty of charters departing everyday from the harbor and a Fishing Hot Line – 262-284-3779 – with up to date weather and tide conditions. You’ll have the most luck between 5 and 6 AM. Expect to shell out about $250 for a 3-hour trip and $14 for a two-day license. You can also fish off the breakwater if you aren’t keen on actually catching fish. Check out Fishing Pox and FoxyLady charters for more info. No one likes a case of E.coli and signs along the beach warn swimmers of the danger. It’s really no surprise considering the path to the North Beach cradles the sanitation plant. A slight easterly wind will give you the chance to smell the crap of each and every Port Washington resident. Try the South Beach behind the power plant for a secluded non-e.coli environment. The Port Pool offers up a beach resort theme, but is overrun with kids. My dream of becoming a lifeguard at the Port Pool was crushed by swim instructor Bill Greymont when he refused to pass me after I called him a fag. Bars - A lot of dicks like to hang out at Schooner’s Pub. Foxy’s and the Wind Rose Wine and Martini Bar are the newest additions to the main strip that already has 2 bars on each block. Your best odds for hooking up with an underage chick from Cedar Grove is Foxy’s. The Martini Bar is pretty swank, but will need to get into the skiing business during the nine months of winter to stay afloat. Sir James Pub has something like 3000 beers and the Gordon Lightfoot classic, The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald on the jukebox. Stop by Willies Wish for a bowl and the chance to see a woman who truly looks like her pet Schnauzer. If you get a hankering for some dancing check out Harbor Hills on your way to Suckville on Highway 33. Food - Most people think of Smith Brothers when it comes to dining in Port. Parrot’s Landing upstairs has great views of the harbor, but the food is pretty bland. The best baked onion soup can be found at Nisleit’s Country in on I-43 and County H. New Port Shores is where the old timers get their fish and Beef Wellington. The best Mexican food can be found at Beanies along the main strip. Since there are no Mexicans in Port Washington the staff tends to be semi-hot high school senoritas with horrible Spanish accents. Have a margarita while sitting on a bar swing. Lie about your age so you don’t appear so damn creepy! For early morning sustenance try Harry’s on N. Franklin or Kasha’s Old World Café just up the block. The only place to get food around the clock is George Webb on Highway 32. Culvers on Highway 33 serves up mean ButterBurgers and raspberry malts. Check out Ewig Bros Smoke House at 121 S. Wisconsin Street for Smoked Chubs and Bernies Quality Meats at 119 N. Franklin for cheese curds and bratwurst. Lodging - The vortex of Port Washington sits at the Holiday Inn Harborview. You can get drunk and walk everywhere from here. If you plan on visiting over Fish Day, book early, request a street side view and bring a pointy nose pliers so you can remove the window restraints. Request a harbor view if visiting any other time of the year. If you like the family atmosphere check out Country Inn and Suites just across from Allen Edmonds on the north side of town. If you need a cheap option and don’t mind blood stains on your sheets check out the Driftwood Motel at 3415 N. Green Bay Road – 262-284-4413.  Getting Medicated - The biggest dealer in town lives in the proximity of some of my relatives so I can’t get too specific. Last year he flashed me $5000 in c-notes and told me this is how they roll in Port Wash. The chronic is a little harder to procure ever since David Burmesch, 74, and Eugene Burmesch, 80 – got busted with $500,000 worth of the stuff growing on their farm in October of 2000.
Events - It wouldn’t be fair to give more than a mention to Maritime Festival in early August when your town is known for the Worlds Largest One Day Outdoor Fish Fry. Thousands of people amass on this small city the third weekend in July to take a run, watch a parade, look at some old cars while jamming to outdated bands and view fireworks. All of these activities are only distractions from the real purpose of Fish Day - getting stuffed with beer and fried fish. Every year about 9000 pounds of Alaskan Cod are consumed at this all-volunteer festival. I suggest the St. Peter’s tent near the main rock stage. The burners like to hang out at the Leatherman tent before they head over to watch Night Ranger. Websites Port Washington Propaganda. Local newspaper - Press. Some really dry history. Bed and Breakfast. Fun facts about drugs and rape in Port Washington. Guide Comments
|
|||
|
|||