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Roatan City Guideby Joseph Kultgen |
 Roatan Travel Pictures
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 Overview - Columbus discovered The Bay Islands in 1502. His account mentioned that the people of Roatan were a "very robust people who live mostly from a certain white grain from which they make the most perfect beer". The dollar Milwaukee’s Best-like beers - Salva Vida, Bahia, Imperial and Port Royale have replaced this perfect brew, but the locals are still pretty fat. Seventeenth century pirate John Coxen and Buccaneer Henry Morgan were two of the scurvy driven recluses who put this place on the map. People go here to vacation, retire or if you’re Honduran to make a buck. Roatanians don’t share traditions, culture or language with the Honduran mainlanders and slave descendents called the Garifuna, who occupy part of the island, speak in monkey-like howls and don’t play by any honkey’s rules. It’s a place all it’s own.
What is the city know for - The largest of the 3 Bay Islands; Roatan, is flanked by Utila to the west and Guanaja to the east. Lying about 2 minutes from the 2nd largest barrier reef in the world, this underwater paradise is a scuba diver haven. Most people on the island, however, don’t dive because it tends to cause massive head bleeding. These people snorkel, hunt iguanas with mangy dogs, ride horses, play with dolphins, have sex in hammocks, parasail, eat lobster, fish, sell drugs, buy real estate, scam the afternoon cruise line passengers or work as missionaries. Time of year to visit - Roatan offers a favorable tropical climate all year round, hot and sunny during the day, and dry and cool at night. Try not to go during Semana Santa in Mid March unless you’re into family spring break Central American style. In the summer prices are about half for accommodations. Most commonly used phrase - Taxi Taxi. 18 Limperas for $1 USD. Languages spoken - English. Don’t worry about breaking out your Spanish dictionary. The locals speak this Creole-type of English that gave me a hankering for practicing some voodoo. Getting There and Away - Continental Airlines flies from Houston and Newark, NYC. Flying on Saturdays assures the most direct flights. Round trip flights from most destinations in Central America to Roatan will run you about $170. Backpackers fly into the capital Tegucigalpa (Tegus for short) or San Pedro Sula and take the luxury bus line – Hedman Alas - to La Ceiba for about $16. Mid-level bus lines charge about half this amount while chicken buses cost about a buck, but you’ll inevitably contract bird flue. Take the twice-daily Galaxy Ferry from La Cieba to Roatan for 260 Limperas. Atlantic Airlines and local carrier Taca also have flights. Save at least $32 so you can get the hell out when your insect bites start spewing puss. Modes of Transportation while in Town – Walk the beach. Drive your $35/day motor scooter around the 40-mile long one road island. I see no need to rent a car unless you can’t ride a scooter. There are 5 taxi drivers for every person in the West End. Unless you have schmuck written on your forehead the charge should be about 25 Limpera for a ride into Coxen Hole. If you’re wearing white pants expect to pay $15. Water taxis charge a buck or two for stops along West End. Your captain may appear cool when he starts bashing Canadians and professing his love for the good ol’ USA, but remember, this is tourist country and this guy has a paint sniffing addiction to fund. Parts of Town - West End Rules! The West End spans about a mile from Seagrape to Keifitos Plantation. Stay somewhere in between. West Bay has the nicest beaches and is home to many of the high-end resorts. Sandy Bay might be cool if you own a boat. Only stay in Coxen Hole if you’re a pussy and don’t think you can wake up for the 7AM ferry. Clubs / Bars - Get a little greased at Sundowners during happy hour – they close at 11PM. Remember prices are cheaper if you pay in Limpera, but the dollar rules so have plenty. Stick to beer and Cuba Libres for a buck or two. If you need to indulge into those panty-ass girl drinks be willing to shell out $5 a pop. The Twisted Toucan is fun and Fosters has a special entrance for hippies. It would be funny if it dropped into the ocean, but it doesn’t. The Black Pearl books the best/only rock band in Roatan called the Scallywags. They’re rendition of Video Killed the Radio Star feels as good as the first time you watched MTV. Bar time is 12PM Mon-Thursday, 2AM on Friday and Saturday and 10PM on Sunday.  Hooking Up - If you go during a holiday be assured your girlfriend will be propositioned in the most physical manner by a mainlander within seconds of leaving your arm. When she returns make sure the mamasita you were diggin’ walks away quietly. If your girlfriend wants to speak to her because she’s so pretty, consider yourself a winner. Bring plenty of Lubriderm for your post skinny dip massage session.
Food - Anything conch, pronounced konk to my shell lovin’ fans. Try Lobster Pot and Buccaneer. Both restaurants were recommended to us by our Rockstar Pirate-Peter Ebanks. Excellent lobster salads. A woman swings by Native Sons dive shop everyday around noon and sells lasagna and shepards pie for 50 Limpera. If you make it to French Harbour fuck David Hasselhoff’s hangout place Romero’s. We were greeted with a frown and served a sorry Cuban lobster. I hate you David Hasslehoff. Lodging - I loved Keifitos Plantation Retreat. There are about 5 cabins (some with AC others with fans). All with hammocks and oranges that you can freshly squeeze each morning. Plus the guy who runs the place has a pet sloth and his father – a former merchant marine – has a house full of explosives. Seagrape Plantation is on the opposite end of West End near Half Moon Bay. They offer up sweet $40/night beachfront cabins with AC and $7 a night crappy little cells. Regardless, it’s a cool vibe and the wind keeps the place free from insects and quite cool. I heard Valerie’s is a dive but trippy at $5 per night and that The Beach House is deluxe at $80/night. You can also rent houses or stay at the all-inclusive Anthony’s Key Resort if you hate interacting with common folk. If you’re outside of West End don’t walk the beach at night. Activities - Most people come here to dive. If you are spending more than 1 month here you are probably getting your dive master certification. If you’re spending more than a week here you better like looking at fish. If you’re spending an afternoon here you came on a cruise ship and you need to go to do a ropes course and then get the hell out. Diving is $30/dive and goes down to about $20/dive after you log 10. About 30 dive shops exist within 3 blocks of one another. Find one where the guy isn’t an English Prick and go with them. Native Sons was cool by me. Shipwreck and Hole in the Wall are two of the favorite dives. You can also pay $75 to sit in chummed waters feeding sharks. Guys with small cocks tend to get off on this.  Getting Medicated - Within 2 minutes of hanging out at our Plantation I was handed a joint. 30 seconds later a Honduran Cop walked up the stairs bummed a cigarette, grabbed a beer and bought some weed off of our dealer. Cocaine is easier to find than weed. Just look for an Anglo Rasta guy named Devin. He’s lived there his entire life and can hook you up.
Weirdest Scene - New dive masters are welcomed to Margaritaville in a strange ritual where 2 liters of rum, jager, milk and beer are funneled into their throats through a snorkel bong. They puke and inevitably end up hooking up with the leathery ex-pat at the end of the bar who hasn’t scored since the last induction. Guide Comments
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