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San Francisco City Guideby Tirzah Fierce |
 San Francisco Travel Pictures
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 The city in question: San Francisco – which you can call S.F. or San Fran, but never “Frisco” unless you are a white-hat-wearing Frat Boy. If you are that white-hat wearing Frat Boy, please don’t grind up against me on the dance floor. Thank you.
If you can’t point to San Francisco on a map, you’re probably a product of the California Public School System. What it’s known for: Everything that makes the city infamous can be blamed on its dual nature: the terrible tension between thrill seeking and the subsequent need for absolution. On one hand S.F. brought us such indulgences as the Gold Rush, Beatnik Poetry, Bee Bop Jazz, Free Love, Queer porn, the Dot-Coms, and Dykes on Bikes. On the other hand, San Fran is considered a hotbed for liberal politics, art-for-social-change, and bagfuls of dirty hippie pot. Personally – I consider it the best city on the planet to give or receive the most fabulous spanking of your life. Where to stay: I’ve lived in San Francisco off and on my entire life, so I usually just stay with friends or family. However, if I’m going clubbing I’ll get a hotel room so I can stagger back and vomit on anonymous porcelain. If you can afford the Westin St. Francis on Union Square, go there and order a $15 martini in the jazz lounge. Nazis run the Hostels in S.F., but if you can stomach the curfews, the waiting lists, and the check-in times, you’ll get a well-maintained room and meet some cool foreign kids. The best hostel is located next door to the Cat Club on Folsom. I was once smuggled up there for a sick after-bar. I think I’ll get a room there next time I visit. You’re all invited upstairs. ;) Where to live: You are pretty much fucked if you don’t have a yuppie job or deal drugs. Please don’t be like me and think you can sell everything you own, throw your black-fluffy kitten into the backseat of your 1991 Ford Escort, and drive west to the land where the streets are paved with gold. You may be able to shake it, sweets, but you’re gonna have to whore it to afford it. Besides, only Assholes live in the city-proper. But hey, if paying $750 a month to rent a couch in the dining room of a flat currently occupied by seven other people is your idea of an ideal communal-living situation then be my guest. Tip #1 All the cool kids live in Oakland. If you’re renting, find a work/live studio there. If you can afford to by a house, do it now before someone realizes that it’s ridiculous to have a Ghetto on the Bay. Check out the Crucible while you’re there; the Fire Feast is one of the most amazing events I’ve ever attended. Tip #2 Speaking of Oakland – that’s where the REAL Chinatown is. Where to score drugs: Duh, it’s California, you tool. If someone doesn’t offer you a joint at a bus stop, go to a shrink and be yourself. I guarantee he’ll diagnose you with depression and hand you a pescription for medicinal marijuana. Be socially conscientious and consider it your citizenly duty. California’s economy needs your addiction. Best place to buy a vibrator: Good Vibrations – an all-woman owned and operated perv shop. They offer funky classes as well, such as rope bondage and vibrator techniques. So if you can’t find your clit, or you wanna hook up with a hottie who has a grinning Cheshire Cat tattooed on her shaved wombat, be sure to sign up. However, I wouldn’t go there if I were male, alone and straight. People will glare at you something fierce. And if they don't glare at you, you for sure won’t be able to buy The Whizzinator. For kicks, I’d suggest Larry Flynt’s place (the Hustler) on Kearney Street. I went there with my gay friend Bill/Lola. The Hustler let us spray dancing strippers with super soakers they handed out at the door. Quality.  Best (public) place to get tied up and spanked: There are soooo many of them it's hard for me to choose just one. A classic point of entry is Power Exchange. (The goth/industrial/rivet-head/punk faction call it GGPET, which stands for Goth Gradual Power Exchange Takeover.) A friend of mine says the Power Exchange is a great place to go for gay anonymous sex. Woman and transvestites get in free.
Bondage a-Go-Go continues to be a Wednesday night spectacle for the normals and white-hats. Expect gawking, and possibly a roofie. If you suspect your drink has been spiked, tell a bouncer (although, they’ve probably already sniffed out the situation and gotten rid of the guy) and split the drink amongst 10 people. In small doses, Rohypnol is a sweet high. Trannyshack, according to my straight friend, is an excellent place to hook up with transsexuals such as Brandy Devine. Bound and Slick are fun. Spanksgiving will forever be my favorite. Sin Salutes Sluts at the Rawhide lets you get what you really want. There’s a bunch more. The names and venues change, but the scene remains the same. Make sure to dress kinky. All of these events enforce a strict fetish wear dress code. And make sure you see the Knotty Boys perform at one of the events. Volunteer to be their hog-tie model. If you’ve never had your elbows bound to the backs of your knees, been slung upside down from the ceiling, and publicly whipped by a She-male in stilettos, you’re in for a real treat. Tip #3 All the really good bondage clubs are invitation only. To get in, you’ll have to reference the guest list. Sleep with whomever you have to sleep with to get in. It’s worth it. Hustling for cash: To make some cash, try stripping, nude modeling or massage therapy. Male belly dancers can make fierce cash. Craigslist.org is a great resource for finding Mafia run jobs teaching Musical Theater to kids. My students were only interested in learning how to grind like Beyonce. Our final production of the Wizard of Oz had an inexplicable hip-hop dance routine to Destiny’s Child. I still have nightmares about it. The school is now closed; I heard the artistic director got whacked. What should I do: I’m starving and unemployed: That sucks – I’m really sorry, my friend. I’ve been there myself. But, before you pack up and leave, there are still a few options for hustling for cash...  Things to do/ Things to avoid: If you’re doing the city right, you’ll be partying all night and sleeping and/or working all day. This will insulate you from the tourist crap. However, if you can pull it together before everything closes, there are a few attractions worth seeing. The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SF MOMA) is tits, and close to the Cartoon Museum. The Asian Art Museum has a swanky new home and is quite lovely. I saw the Geisha exhibit there and am convinced I missed my Calling. The Japanese Tea garden is very cool. If anyone tries to tell you that the Golden Gate Park is near the Golden Gate Bridge, punch him in the nuts. Golden Gate Park is near the Haight. You don’t need to go to the Haight unless you’re selling records, or have the cash to buy vintage clothing. However, if you’re a runaway punk from Marin County, Haight Street is the place to panhandle. Or you could just ask your Dad for more money to buy your blue hair dye.
The Folsom Street Fair is for Trannies who wear gold mylar wigs. There is something problematic about mixing popcorn and sunshine with bondage gear. Some things weren't meant to be. The Gay Pride Parade is pretty much a mandatory event. Only I didn’t see much of it the one time I went. Minutes after arriving I was abducted by a blond Betty Page, blindfolded, and thrown into the back of a Chester-the-Child-Molester van. With the back door thrown open for all to see, I was viciously spanked for the amusement of the mingling street crowd. I haven’t had that much fun in a van since grade school. Tip #5 If you can’t get laid at the Gay Pride Parade, move back to the suburbs. 
Halloween is the best holiday in San Fran. Just hop on a MUNI bus in the city (sneak in the back door, while people are exiting and you’ll never have to pay the fares) and head to the Castro. By the time you get there you’ll be stoned and felt-up, especially if you’re wearing a hot-nurse costume. Be sure to see the Zombie Pin-Up Girl Cabaret. The Muni buses run inner-city most of the night, but the BART, which runs out of the city and into the surrounding areas, shuts down after midnight. Be sure to hook up with a hottie so you have somewhere to sleep. Or just stay awake until everything starts up again.
Going up to the top of Coit Tower is cool at sunset. My friend Mark likes to do twilight pin-up girl photo shoots at the Palace of Fine Arts. Look for Circus acts at Cellspace, and make sure to grab Sushi at Blowfish before the show. Whatever scene you’re into is sure to have a message board. Sfgoth.com is a great jumping-off point for deviants. Also check out the San Francisco Late Night Coalition (where “dancing is not a crime” – unless, of course, you’re a white-hat.) For a great date: Go to the Delancey Street Restaurant at 600 Embarcadero Street, which is entirely run and operated by Ex-Convicts. Then take the night tour of Alcatraz, and wrap up with a stroll down to the docks on the Embarcadero to score some X. You’re sure to get a nice spanking when you get home! Just like the second-chance Delancy Street waiters in their starched aprons and donated shoes, you’ll be absolved of all your naughty little sins. About your guide: I’m quite proud to admit I’m a fourth generation San Francisco whore. I’ll never be as cool as my grandma, my mom or my big sis - but it’s good to have role models. Contact info: tirzahfierce@gmail.com. Hopefully, I’ll remember to check my email. Links: Events/Places/Scene: SF Goth.com CraigsList San Francisco Late Night Coalition BodyPlay Laughing Squid SF City Guides SF MOMA Asian Art Museum SF Torture Museum The Art Dreco Institute SF Hostels Sin! Stuff: Good Vibrations Mr. S Leather Company Dark Garden Stormy Leather Lust Designs |
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