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Winona City Guideby Jeremy Ahrens |
 Winona Travel Pictures
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 Overview - Winona is a little city carved out by the Mississippi River. It has 25,000 people, three colleges, two coffee shops, and enough bars and churches to kill a team of oxen. The bluffs and Mississippi draw people in from all over Minnesota to hike, hunt, fish and camp. The most recognizable bluff is nicknamed Sugar-Loaf. It's nicknamed Sugar-loaf because it looks like a lump of sugar sitting on a loaf of bread. Winona loves the Sugar-loaf. They show their love by lighting the thing up like a Christmas tree all night long. I love the Sugar-loaf because it's great for both rock-climbing and smashing empty beer bottles against.
What is the city known for - Birthplace of Winona Ryder. Classic Mississippi river town. Spectacular natural beauty. Simple underage drinking. Boozing - My favorite two bars are Rascals and Gabby's. Rascals is dirty. Local hippies dance to Schwa and Paco. Morally reckless Saint Mary's students manifest Gabby's. Gabby's is the best place in Winona to go for some sharking. The High and Low is for dropouts. East End bars like Poots Tavern are great on payday. Stay away from anything pickled. As for the West End of town, Ed's 500 Club is a cherry bomb. You're a sucker if your order does not come in a pitcher. Bars in Winona close at 1 a.m. At 1:01 a.m. college drunkards drive across the river to Wisconsin where bars close at 2 a.m. There are about five to ten DUI fatalities in Winona each year. I am especially entertained each time a drunkard drives his mom's Chevy Nova into the river. Tip top show. If you must cross the river at 1 a.m., go to George's. But try not to act queer or foreign. It's very redneck. You will get beat up. Trust me. Keggers - Doing keg-stands at Latsch Island used to be a Winona tradition. However, the Winona City Council recently passed a law requiring keg-buyers to register their purchase with the police. Yeah. That's exactly what kids want to do before they throw a two-day bender. The thing is, party-balls are not considered kegs. You can buy as many as you want without registering. Yes, I know, party-balls are a bit dandy. But they get the business done. Plus you can play soccer with the empty ball once it's cashed.  Getting Medicated - Try The Green Lantern Coffee House on 3rd Street for weed. Take it up to Stone Circle by the cemetery to smoke. You can also order pizza from Little Caesars, tip well and ask the delivery boy for an eighth bag. Go to the High and Low for anything harder. If you want to act like a local, bust out some stereotypes, and just ask one of the three black people that live in town for drugs. They'll love that.
If you like the pain-pills, rob an old lady as she comes out of Snyder Drugs. Winona is filled with insufferable elderly. In addition to the Percocet, you'll probably even score some ointment for your goiter. And don't feel too bad about it. Geezers need excitement. You'll probably be giving the white-head conversation fuel for the next year. Taking a Lover - Bull's Eye is probably the best place to meet WSU students. Buying a girl a shot of grape pucker will go a long way. Brothers Birthday Bar is also good, but usually filled with dudes wearing striped shirts and baseball caps. I hate the place. If you like to dance, go to Nasty Habit/Mingles/Fitzgeralds/whatever the place is called now. At least once a year, it gets shut down for serving minors, renamed, and re-opened. If you have not taken a lover by close, you will need to cab it to Wisconsin. You will probably not meet anyone there either fatty, but let's try and keep a positive attitude. And maybe try and lose some weight. Dating - Winona is a shitty date town. My M.O. was to steal a bottle of tequila from my dad's liquor store, grab limes and salt from the kitchen, and take my girl up to Garvin Heights. Once you get to the lookout, follow the path past the "Do Not Follow Path" sign until you get to a big rock overlooking the city. Once there, open the bottle of tequila and teach your girl or boy how to do body shots. If you get a follow up-date, buy a bottle of Boone's Farm Wild Island and go skinny-dipping at the Sand Pits. Do not even think about taking a date out for coffee. This is Winona. Everyone drinks. And everyone likes to party. Plus coffee in Winona lost its fun when the Happy Chef closed. Other Fun - If you do not have access to a boat, make-out with a Mom on the prowl at the Winona Aquatic Center. Try going under the Water Mushroom. It's very private. If you have access to a boat, grab a 24-pack of Special Export at Sugar Loaf Beverage and get wasted on the river. Bring some Led Zeppelin if you are enterprising. Jump off the Wagon Bridge if you are a daredevil. If you run out of beer, swim under a boat house and steal any alcohol you can find. Make a stop at Freddy's Fish Float if you are over 21. They have a bikini contest each year. Freddy has a knack for the library sciences and makes a photo album out of each year's contest. I like to page through the albums to discover what a total slut my girlfriend is. Page 123 of the 1997 album has a picture of her licking whipped cream off of some bald dude's head. Page 124 has 2 reciprocal pictures of the bald dude licking whipped cream off of her breasts. But don't get upset. Turn this discovery into something positive. Sure your gf is a slut. But sluts rule. If she is willing to lick whipped cream off of some bald dude's head, how on earth can she say no to that blood orgy you have been planning with her and her sister? Events - The Great River Shakespeare Festival is held between June 25 and July 25. It's great, but only if you haven't figured out how to drive to the Guthrie in Minneapolis yet. Steamboat Days brings a crappy carnival and a beer tent for brawlers. If you are looking for some real fun, head across the river to Trempealeau Wisconsin for Catfish Days on July 10th. I got arrested for under-age consumption using the name Delano Cerney for three straight years. For some whacked-out reason, they take your word for it if you say you left your ID at home. The best thing about Winona area festivals like Catfish Days is the local cover band Trouble Shooter. Trouble Shooter has Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl down to a science. They will play it about 15 times during their 3 hour set. And I don't know how they do it, but Trouble Shooter will get about 30 skanky woman to line dance to this song each time they play it. I am totally into this. And as a result, I try and attend Wilson or Goodview days as often as I can. Murder - Small towns love murder. It gives everyone something to talk about. There have been 2 murders in Winona over the last 5 years. I am fortunate enough to be loosely connected to both. A couple years ago my second-cousin shot his father in some sort of drug deal. That was a real up-beat moment for my family. Last year some guy bought 40's from my Dad before strangling his girlfriend and kid to death. He set fire to the apartment building shortly thereafter. I'm not certain, but it must have made sense to him at the time. Food - All you get in Winona is bar food. Bub's Brewing and Jeffersons are the best. If you are out for lunch go to the Acoustic Cafe for a turkey sandwich. They also have beer. Beno's Deli has the best food in town. They are open a whopping two hours a day. If you are looking for seafood try the Hillside Fish House in Bluff Siding across the river. Where to crash - Prairie Island is great for camping. So is the KOA just east of town. For rooms by the hour try the El Rancho Motel. She'll know you mean business. Weird Scenes - Cemetery tours. The crazy bicycle nun. The Carlson home. Jon-Jon. The Ho-House. Vic B2. Smoking pot at Stone Circle. And my number one vote goes to the Gin Mill in Bluff Siding. It is by far and away the craziest trailer-home turned strip club I have ever seen. It is owned by a group of bikers. Don't f*ck with them. You are not that tough, sporto. I sat next to Al Light (ass hat from Light at Night) my first time at the Gin Mill. I got a lap dance from a stripper missing her left leg. This early exposure has since fueled a debilitating addiction to amputee porn that haunts me to this day. The YMCA's Eagles Club is where old married gay men hang out. The sauna room is an anonymous sex train-wreck. Chances of seeing a naked dude doing a handstand against the wall sit at 50-50. These odds appreciate dramatically as the clock nears 10 p.m. I of course was exposed to all this at age 12. Nice job Dad. About the source - I lived in Winona until I went to college at age 18. At age 14 I was served at a bar (old Langs / now Gabby's) using my mother's Dayton's credit card. If you liked this article, go to Sugar Loaf Beverage and buy a bottle of tequila. Mention theCitizen, and you may just get a 5 percent discount. Links Winona Daily News Great River Shakespear Festival Guide Comments
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